I Can't Pick Up My Baby Girl!

One of those moments of snuggling that are
becoming more and more rare.

Today I could not pick up my child and it tore my heart out. Now, my little girl is almost four years old and doesn't often need, or even want, to be picked up. But today, as hubby and I browsed through a local holistic health store, my baby was on the floor, hungry, and wanting to go home. And I couldn't pick her up and comfort her and let her little head snuggle into my neck.

For quite a while now I have had an ongoing pain in my lower left abdomen. Sometimes it becomes a severe, shooting pain which makes it impossible to even walk. Well, on Sunday, the pain became unbearable and I finally decided I should do something about it. I went to my nurse practitioner today and went through all the normal routines for pelvic pain. Women - you know what I am talking about. No explanations needed I hope. She even had to do testing for chlamydia/gonorrhea, which wasn't at all humiliating seeing as I have been with my husband for about 8 years now...

Her determination is that I actually have a strained/pulled/or torn ligament or muscle in my hip flexer from my high impact cardio-kickboxing. I have a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow morning, so I guess we'll see how that turns out. But this could mean a 2-3 month hiatus from kickboxing (sniff...) as well as physical therapy. There are several problems with this scenario.

1. The holiday season is coming up. My workouts give me a little more wiggle room to enjoy my homemade hot cocoa, cookies, latkes, homemade applesauce, pumpkin pie, etc.

2. This could mean a return to Weight Watchers where I am a "Lifetime Member." But I dread going back. I am over my goal weight and have a very difficult time with the way they try to get you to eat. I don't believe in eating fat-free everything, I like my bread from a local bakery, and I refuse to include any artificial sweeteners or high fructose corn syrup in our diets. Even my diabetic husband has begun using Stevia instead of Splenda.

So, you can see my dilemma. I love to eat. I love to eat, fresh, healthy, organic, REAL food. I love to workout. And I can't lie. I do imagine people's faces on that bag when I am punching it, which is fantastic stress relief.

But, back to the MOST important part of this whole mess. I can't pick up my baby. My baby who doesn't want to be carried very often any more. And she wanted to snuggle up to my body and I couldn't even pick her up because of my severe pain. I feel these moments slipping away from me. And I couldn't be in this moment. I couldn't pick her up, smell her long blond hair draped over my shoulder. It makes my heart ache even more than my abdomen aches.